Why People Change After Wedding? A Lecture and Marital Experience By Pastor Tope Farotika on Original Plan Whatsapp and Instagram
Host:
Today is a unique session, as we have a man of God who will be sharing with us on an important topic: Why People Change After Wedding”
Pastor Tope:
I have been asked to speak on the topic: WHY DO PEOPLE CHANGE AFTER WEDDING.
First, everyone of us must keep this truth in our hearts: wedding is not marriage neither is courtship marriage. Marriage is more demanding and requires more commitments and sacrifices. Our focus and prayers during courtship and while preparing for marriage should go beyond wedding.
Also, irrespective of the discouraging stories you hear about married couples as a single youth; regardless of what you are going through in your marriage presently (if you are married), marriage is a beautiful institution if you surrender the control of your marriage to the Originator of the institution.
there is a gamut of reasons why love in marriage goes south. We cannot treat all but the Holy Spirit will guide us into some of the salient ones:
1. Wrong Foundation:
The truth is, upbringing affects almost every aspect of our life and marriage is not an exception. Two people coming together as husband and wife will most likely have different upbringing and foundation. Many of us come from broken homes. Some witness severally how our parents turn each other to punching bags.
I have heard of fathers that will tell their son to watch as he beats his mum telling the son that’s how to bring a woman into submission. Some of our mothers were very aggressive to our fathers and treated them as trash. Some people were abused by relatives, neighbours, trusted people while growing up. The list goes on and on.
Some people unfortunately bring this wrong psyche/notion/upbringing to the marriage thereby turning love to hate.
Furthermore, some foundational evil forces/covenants follow quite a lot of us to the marriage (whether you believe it or not).
These forces manipulate either or both parties to do things that will affect the marriage negatively. Only Jesus can destroy such evil foundation. Ask the woman at the well in John 4:17-18. I was operating under a very terrible foundational covenant until Jesus stepped into my marriage.
2. Unfulfilled Expectation:
During courtship, some people knowingly or unknowingly pretend to be who they are not. Some post unrealistic picture of who they are to their spouse. Such spouse on getting into the marriage may be disappointed and feel cheated.
This can become a little fox that will destroy the vine – marriage. Hence, our youths should ensure truth and transparency while in courtship. Due diligence should also be taken in knowing who you want to spend the rest of your life with. It’s not lack of faith; after all, Jesus said we should be wise as serpent and harmless as a dove – Matthew 10:16
3. Desire To Look Into And Correct Every Wrongdoing:
This is very important and can cause a lot of friction in the marriage. Some people are found of finding fault. They are like the Scribes and Pharisees of Jesus’s time who came all the way from Jerusalem not to hear the Word and be healed but to find fault – Mark 7:1-2.
Look brethren, in marriage, you must decide to be blind and deaf to some mundane things rather than making mountain out of a mole hill. The person you married has been like that for well over 20 years before you married him/her. You don’t expect such to change overnight by nagging, shouting or barking orders. Learn to overlook little mistakes for the sake of your peace of mind.
I remember a story I heard about a couple. They had a very elaborate wedding and spent millions of naira on it. After the wedding, the couple went for honeymoon in a 5-star hotel.
The next day, they woke up to clean up. The wife took the toothpaste, press it from the middle and when the husband saw it, he was irritated. He told the wife that she should have pressed it from the bottom up. An argument ensured and the new wife gave the husband a dirty slap. Needless to say, that was how the marriage packed up, within 24 hours!
Learn to let go and if there is a need to correct, do it in love.
4. Failure To Run:
The scripture teaches us to flee from fornication – 1 Cor 6:18. It teaches us to also flee youthful lusts 2 Timothy 2:22.
When God says: “run”, it simply means you should run. One thing that can subtly creep into marriage and destroy it is sexual immorality. It can sneak its way into your home if you have not learnt how to run.
It doesn’t matter your anointing, you must watch and run at the sight of any danger signs. Many people have found themselves helplessly in infidelity not because they wanted to but because of carelessness and failure to run.
Be careful of that brother/sister in the church that’s drawing unnecessarily close, that colleagues that compliments and smile at you at any given opportunity, that neighbor that is (innocently) always buying gifts for you even when it’s not your birthday.
Moreover, Satan is destroying homes through social media and internet. Run from pornographic pictures and movies, they corrupt minds and give you evil suggestions that can ruin your home.
Learn to run!!!
5. Pride:
Pride is one of the greatest sin. Lucifer was reduced to the devil because of pride, Adam and Eve wanted to be like God and bought sin for mankind. Pride can give birth to a lot of other evils. Pride has destroyed a lot of homes. Remember, pride goes before destruction.
Pride is seeing yourself more important than anyone else. What we call egoism is actually pride. Pride makes it difficult for couples to resolve their differences. It makes you feel the other party should be the first to apologize thereby leading to malice.
In my first year of marriage, my wife and I could stay for two (2) weeks or more without talking to each other. Why? I wouldn’t want to be the first to apologize even if I was wrong; after all, “I am the man”. On the other hand, my wife will not want to feel defeated, she also will not say sorry and our love was suffering.
6. Taking Over The God-given Responsibility of The Other:
This is one of the offshoot of pride. God has designed it that the husband should be the head/leader of the home. Many women don’t want this. They want to assume equality with man. It doesn’t matter what the so-called developed country are saying (look at their divorce rate), it doesn’t matter the agenda of the feminists, it CAN NEVER BE.
Any woman who want to fight for the headship of the family will never be able to enjoy her marriage. God designed it that way and nothing can change it. You might be richer, more powerful, more educated, more anointed as a woman, you must encourage/allow your husband be the head and you must submit to his leadership.
When we got married, my wife was a graduate and earning 3 times my salary. I was an ND holder. But you wouldn’t know. She wouldn’t spend money without my knowledge. I wasn’t a very good husband, yet she continued to submit. Now I am more educated, I can conveniently pay her salary with my staff’s.
There is nothing I cannot do for my wife either she asked for it or not. Why? She did not challenge my authority when she had the power to.
7. Laziness:
Love in many marriages have been frustrated as a result of laziness. Some men will watch while the wife run around looking for how to keep body and soul together. They will not lift a finger. Such women can become frustrated and aggressive, vice versa.
God Himself hates lazy people. He is not a lazy God and if you are His child, you cannot afford to be lazy. Quit complaining or waiting for that big break while sleeping morning till night. Get something doing to support your family.
8. Failure To Let Go of Our Parents, Family and Friends:
God, the One who created marriage specifically told us from the beginning: “therefore shall a man leave his father and mother and shall cleave to his wife and they shall be one flesh” – Gen 2:24.
Many people after wedding are not willing to let go of their parents, family and friends. Until you are able to “leave” them and “cleave” to your spouse, you will have problems in the marriage.
Please don’t get me wrong. I am not saying you should forget about your parents, family and friends but they must not be a competition to your spouse. You must not satisfy them at the expense of your spouse. Your spouse must be number one in your life before even your parents. That is the standard of God and that’s the way you can enjoy your marriage.
9. Friendship With Opposite Sex:
After wedding, friendship with any opposite sex should be cut off. Your spouse should and must be your best friend. In fact, you should be best of friends before the wedding.
10. Keeping Secrets:
The bible says in Gen 2:25 “and they were both naked, the man and his wife and were not ashamed”. God intention for marriage is that there won’t be any secrets between husband and wife.
Such must be the standard for every Christian home. You should be an open book to your spouse, totally naked before him/her without being ashamed. If you have any past buried in secrecy, let your spouse be in the know.
There should be nothing hidden: your phones password, atm pins, properties etc. Remember, there is nothing covered that will not come into the open.
Many homes have been eternally destroyed because of secrets that were later discovered.
Be an open book!
11. Lack of Communication, Compliments and Forgiveness:
The absence of any of these 3 will hurt love in marriage. Let your spouse be your gist partner (men need to take note particularly). Compliment each other’s look, achievement, progress etc.
Say good things about your spouse and it will boost his/her self-confidence and love for you. Learn to forgive even when the person does not deserve it. It heals you quickly and silence the devil in your home. Your willingness to let go is a stimulus for God to step in.
12. Failure To Manage Additions to the Family.
Everybody prays for expansion, increase and fruitfulness in the family but not everyone can manage these additions. Introduction of children if not properly managed can strain love in the family.
Most women shift their attention to the children and leave their husbands frustrated. Most men leave their wives alone with the care of the children, kitchen and home and expect such wives to function 100% emotionally. It’s not going to happen!
Promotion in career, expansion in business, and increase in financial capabilities if not properly managed can also strain marital love. Couples must learn to sit down, selflessly discuss solutions to any given challenge and agree on the way forward.
13. Declining Romance:
Many couples before wedding and few months after would show how romantic they are. As times goes one, either because of activities as stated above or because they have become too used to each other, romance begin to ebb till it’s completely out of the marriage.
The devil can use this opportunity to introduce a third party who might seem more romantic and before you know it, such spouse may begin to gravitate toward the seemingly romantic fellow. Couples must find way to spice up their romance at all times.
Take your spouse out once in a while without the children. Buy things that will make him/her smile. Always look for opportunity to tell spouse how much you love him/her. Play with each other, become teenagers once in a while and play away. Throw pillows at each other, tickle each other etc.
Keep the fire burning!
14. Love For Personal Space:
There are some couples who sleep in different rooms; those who want time alone with friends, some who want time alone with their games. Ask them why, they will tell you they need their personal space.
My friend, hear me and hear me well, if you need your personal space, PLEASE DON’T MARRY!
Once you marry, you loose your freedom to be alone. The reason God created Eve was because He saw that it is not good for man to be alone.
You have been joined together with another person and both of you are now one. You must “cleave” to the fellow everywhere you go. Your space is her space, your money is her money, your house is her house, your car is her car, your room is her room, your phone is her phone and vice versa.
Love for personal space breed mistrust, malice and gives Satan opportunity to tempt, run from it!
15. Above All, When Jesus Is Not In Your Boat
When I was young, there is a song we normally sing: when Jesus is in the family, happy happy home but when Satan is in the family, troubled troubled home.
Many people ask me, why are you so happy in your marriage? My answer is: Jesus rules and reign in my home. I am faithful to my wife not because I have the ability to (I sure don’t. In my family, it is considered abnormal to be faithful to your wife) but because Jesus has given my victory of family curses, sin and self.
When I got married, I thought I loved my wife and would never hurt her but events that happened few months after the wedding showed I didn’t even know how to love my wife.
It was not until I tasted the love of Christ and surrendered my life to Him that I began to know the true meaning of love. Thank God He saved my wife through my changed life. Both of us ever since leave our life to please God. Our obedience to Him has brought about joy, peace and progress to our home.
God created the institution called marriage, until you submit your life and marriage to Him, you will continue to struggle with it. Why? If Jesus is not in your home, then Satan (author of pains and confusion) will reign there. There can never be a vacuum.
Which will you prefer?
If these points can be strictly meditated upon, pitfalls avoided and instructions adhered to, our homes will be heaven on earth
Questions From Audiences
Audience:
There was a couple sometimes ago, 7 years after their marriage, the wife Got a call to establish a church and it has to be in the village which she must leave the city and be in the village and the husband is also a Pastor in CAC
The husband first accepted it but after like 2 years, the husband could not take it anymore because they have 4 children already
People were saying that is wrong that her ministry should be under her husband ministry.
SIR
What can you say about this sir, is it God that really called her and is it okay for her to take such decision even when her husband did not see what she is seeing?
Pastor Tope:
The truth of the matter is this: God will not call you into a ministry that will destroy your home. When I God called me into ministerial work. I was afraid. I didn’t know what to do. God spoke to my wife clearly in a vision about what He wanted me to do. God told her I was proving stubborn and that my stubbornness will have consequences. That vision encouraged me to heed the call. I didn’t have to convince my wife. God did that Himself
More importantly, the work God gave me has had tremendous positive influence on my marriage
God is not an author of confusion. He will not tell you to start a ministry that will separate you from your spouse. Of that, I am sure.
Audience:
Must we hear from God that this is your wife before we move or how do we know our future partner sir
Pastor Tope:
For me, I was not in the Lord when I met my wife. But, immediately I saw hear in November 1998, I knew instantly that this is my wife. There was this inner peace I heard that I have never experienced with any other woman. I told her right then that no matter what happens, she would end up as my wife and it happened.
The presence of inner peace settled it for me. I didn’t hear directly from God. However, as a child of God, you should know how God speaks to you and you seek to hear from Him about who you spend the rest of your life with.
Audience:
In a situation where by the husband said he don’t like staying together with the wife,what can the woman do ?
Pastor Tope:
In this case, you have to find out why. Try to adjust if there is anything he wants you to do that you’re not doing. You will also find what you can do to change his mind. Do things that will make such husband cherish and miss your absence and also pray for him.
Audience:
Sir
Do we have spiritual confirmation and physical confirmation
physical in the sense that you will know the person through physical things I.e carrying ,gifted etc
Can you be convinced physical when you did not see him spiritually?
Pastor Tope:
Both are very essential. Sometimes, I asked myself what my wife saw that made her accept me because I was nothing to write home about. However, she must have seen that I had potentials and wasn’t lazy. In a layman way of expressing love, she was sure I loved her.
You must ask questions to be sure the fellow is what you need in a man while seeking spiritual confirmation. God is not against you physically being attracted to your spouse. in fact, it is important to be attracted.
Audience:
My question is, please did your wife come from a Muslim family, if yes, sir, how are you able to cope with that with her family knowing fully you are a christian sir.
thank you sir
Pastor Tope:
Yes, she is from a Muslim family. Initially, we had issues. The family was not so welcoming. In fact, that to me, accounted for our first and only breakup. However, if God has a hand in it, it will surely work. After years of being together and I happen to be the only one she genuinely glued to for marriage, the family gave in. I must also say, my father-in-law is a very considerate person and not fanatical.
Audience:
Speaking about foundation of every marriage…. I will like to ask sir, is it proper to go ahead with a wedding just at the confirmation of a man of God, when God has not shown you your self
Pastor Tope:
NO sir! The man of God will not be in that marriage with you. Ensure you hear from God and convinced by the Holy Spirit before you go in. When challenges come (they will surely come), you will have confidence that God to you to go and will never leave you.
Host:
Thank you very much sir
On behave of everyone in this platform, we really appreciate your response and the wonderful teaching sir. God will increase you in wisdom and your home will always be a Glorious home in Jesus name.
Thank You so Much Sir
Pastor Tope:
Thank you so much brethren. For as many as are looking to God’s face for a life partner, I pray God will give you that one He’s ordained for you before the foundation of the world. He will give you that one that will help you fulfill your God-given purpose in Jesus name
For the married going through one challenge or the other, the Prince of peace will visit your home tonight and calm every storm in Jesus name
For those who are having a blissful union, Satan will not be able to penetrate into your home in Jesus name
Our Speaker’s Profile
Farotika Tope Ebenezer was born to the family of Pa Joshua Akintoye Farotika in Ijare Town of Ondo state.
He is the third in a family of 14 (complicated). He was born with “no spoon in his mouth”. He began to take responsibility for himself and brother right from Senior secondary school one. It was tough but God saw him through.
Born into a family that easily combined traditional worship with Christian religion, he grew going to church and observing religious activities without knowing God.
In 1994, he came to Lagos as an house boy where he was first introduced to Jesus the Saviour. He grew passionate about Christ but lost the relationship some years after due to youthful exuberance. He sought divine reconciliation with tears for 12 years without getting it. After giving up any Hope of being saved, the Lord mercifully sought and saved him and it’s been a glorious journey ever since.
He worked as a banker for 6 years before God called him into the work on Evangelism. He is also an entrepreneur on one side, the CEO Lebanon Cedars International Furniture Limited
He met his wife (Farotika Adijat Titilayo) in 1998, got married to her in 2008. It was rough in the first year but Jesus stepped into the marriage and it has been a blissful union ever since. They are blessed with two wonderful children: a boy and a girl.
